THIS is a debilitating side effect of living with a narcissist for 30 years. You never know what they are scheming or when they will deceive you next... but you know they have a hidden agenda and it's coming again and again. The only way to protect yourself is to be on guard every minute. It is exhausting and creates paranoia... and they love that they have that power over you. A very good reason to quit this bullshit.
This was what I found so hard about trying to overcome my depression. I could explain what I gelt or why I felt it and it was making me more depressed. Thank god for my fiance or I would never have pulled through. I am thankful everyday for the effort he put into bringing me back and helping me to regain the person I once was.